You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
