I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
