I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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