I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
