brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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