He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize