Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
