All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
