I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
