I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
