I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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