I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
