now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize