I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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