Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
