my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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