1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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