After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
