apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
