The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
