Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
