I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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