I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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