birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
