Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
