so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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