apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
