someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
