I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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