i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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