He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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