Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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