you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
