She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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