Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
