You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
