You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
