I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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