every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
