Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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