My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
