I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
