dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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