I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
