I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
