That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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