Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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