Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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