I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
