Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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