When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
