I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize