dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
