The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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