I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
