At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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