Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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