yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
