Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
