plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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