So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
