what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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