somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
