You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
