i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
