Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
