I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
